There is so much struggle between the soul and spirit.  Jason Westerfield mentioned that in heaven we are complete…like our spirit and soul are in perfect unison, and that here on earth, that is being fulfilled, but there is a tension bec we long for the true “me” to be revealed.  All of creation groans for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed…

But there is this hope.

Friday night at the prayer house, the Lord used a person to pull it out of me without saying a word…he saw it there, without me saying anything, and during worship, there was deliverance. I felt fully formed and alive and lovely and so full of life that joy came in and took over the house on the inside of me, the room changed, and i was able to dance and sing and enter into a time of worship that was SO intimate with Jesus and with others. God really blessed us, and our hearts were so full. We felt love in the prayer room that night. It wasn’t after toiling for hours or pressing in and pressing in and pressing in, it was just when the father decided to pour out His love. The bowls were turned over, and our hearts were filled, and that ache on the inside went away.

It was communion….Intimacy with Jesus and His bride.

So much came together that night. 

 I don’t know if the struggle that I have is because the longing for connection with others is so much deeper than others are willing to go. Not the “better than less than” game, but the “been in deeper and longing for more because there is so much more” thing, and well, people just really are not ready for that.

Does that make sense?

And in the midst of all of this, I recognize that there is a lot of “me” and not we….

It’s not about me, it’s about God gathering His kids together so that His son can have a wedding and that they may have kids to present back to the Father.  But that can only happen as each one gets fully healed and restored to right relationship with the Father so that she is ready to be brought to the Son to be married. I recognize that my healing is intimately tied to another’s because we are the body of Christ. I recognize that I am not alone…we are never alone, even though the enemy leads us to believe that at times. But that as Christ on the inside of me makes His way out, that the environment is actually changed and others will do the same…and the same is true for each of us. As Christ makes his way out of you, the environment is changed. And more of heaven comes down to earth…

Tonight was a really good night…so I write.

Ha.

Figures.

I always choose to write when emotions are at either extreme.

Tonight, though, was different. Although superficially it would appear to have been an onslaught of emotion making it’s way to the surface, it was actually a gift from the Lord and one of many over the last 4 days which is leading me to write it down so that in the future, when I’m sulking or tempted to get caught up in how crappy life can be, I’ll have a touch-stone to refer back to and be reminded that yes, You, Lord, really do care and know me so much better than I know myself. 

I lost my job on Friday…sucks. I didn’t see it coming. Actually, had no reason to believe that a last minute meeting would turn into the last 45 minutes I’d be employed at this particular school.  I had everything lined up for the coming week, grades were in, had busted my ass to get things in on time, prepared for the weeks activities, and was genuinely looking forward to a chill weekend after a terribly long week….when they decided to let me know what they had been “praying” about over the last 2 weeks.  They had made a decision by the time they let me in on it.

The part that burned so much, was the fact that these are Christians. Part of the same family as me.  We have the same Father. We will be spending eternity together. We are brothers and sisters, you know, meant to share everything, etc. etc. One love, one blood, one need…we get to share it. Sorry, momentary lapse. We’ve been in battle together for these kids’ lives over the last 3 months, and without a single warning, they let me go on the spot. I had no warning, and yet, wasn’t supposed to take it personally.  Load of bollocks…everyone knows that “it’s not personal” is the ultimate copout when you dont’ know what else to say. 

It honestly felt like a knife in my back.

So I’m working through forgiveness.

And in the midst of it, Daddy God gave me a bit of reality tonight.

We have a prayer room in the city that is a sort of hidden treasure.  It is a place to come and connect with the Father for the sheer purpose of letting Him love on you and nothing else.  And this is where I get to spend a lot of my Friday nights.  Love encounters with Jesus are the very best. They leave you hungering for more and dissatisfied with lesser kind of affection.

Tonight, however, I needed to be reminded of the love that is passed between family members…that somehow, even though betrayal has been a theme over the last few days, that there is something redemptive in mankind that will lead me to hope for the more that is out there….the love that still exists in the world, and you know, the kind that is free of expectation.

So, there were some sandwiches that someone had left behind and passed on to me to bring out to the boardwalk and pass out to any homeless or hungry people. So I ventured out, not quite certain of what I would find or how people would react to this loopy girl passing out free sammies to anyone who would take them, swearing that they were fresh and “gourmet” , i kid you not.  And to my suprise, walking halfway down the boardwalk, while praying incessantly under my breath that the Lord would let His love out, i crossed paths with 5 people fishing at the end of the pier.  They had no fish in their bucket and from the looks of it may have been homeless…but then again, i’m really not sure. They did, however, want some sandwiches which made me so happy and pleased to at least have been able to love on someone today in the midst of my funk.

After passing out the wraps and waiting to see what to say, I found myself asking them if they needed prayer for anything…and low and behold, they all said yes, please pray for me.  It was that easy. They wanted prayer. They were hungry for prayer. They wanted someone to pay attention to them. It was as if God has set the entire night up…

Steve said that he injured his back a while ago and wanted prayer for that. We all laid hands on him and prayed for healing…all of us together.  Beverly asked for prayer for her kids and for herself….before we knew it, she kept saying “Oh Jesus, I feel you, I feel Him, He’s here, I feel Him, I’ve got chills up and down my legs” and this went on for some time as I felt a strange warmth as well.  And then there was Bill…a homeless man who tomorrow will be moving into his first home with the Salzbacher Center.  The Lord had so many things to say to him; to each of us tonight.  And after we had church for about 30 minutes, and it was time to leave, I recognized that I was beaming with joy. My face seemed to have this permanent smile on it that would not leave. I was filled up and full and overflowing with love and I couldn’t stop laughing internally.

It was like being an infatuated 14 year old. Jesus was squeezing me and He wouldn’t let go. All of the junk over the last few days seems to take a back seat to the more pressing reality of what had just happened…life showed up and squelched out the death in me. And I’m also guessing that it squelched out death in them, but the two were not mutually exculsive. God filled me up as I poured out and my joy was complete. All of the nagging questions, betraying sentiment, and unsettled emotion fled my body as I allowed the Lord to love these ones through me. And it wasn’t even my love. I didn’t have it in me at the moment…i was annoyed with life, frustraed with circumstances, and ready to smack someone, but a small plea that was along the lines of “Jesus please come and fill me up and bless these people with love” somehow was muttered between the prayer room and the dock and Jesus showed up in the only way that He does…with real love. 

We had church on he dock. It was void of religion. Was pretty simple. Nothing organized…but Jesus was there. And He blessed me, and showed me just how much of a blessing it is to be used by Him to share His love with others. Jesus is love. He is love in the prayer room. He is love on the boardwalk. He is love in the solitude of a quiet room and a book. He is love in an embrace. He is love in the way that we look at others. He is love in the way that we listen without judgement. Jesus is love in the words that we speak and the food that eat and the clothes that we wear and all of these that we share. He is real love. He meets our real needs. And He knows what we need and when to bring it.

He really is the Only One who gets us inside and out. And I’m learning to trust Him when things just don’t seem to make sense. When you are walking one way and the rug seems to get pulled out from underneath your feet and you find yourself wandering back through paths that you thought you had already passed.  He is real. More real than any other man. And He stoops down so low to lift us so high that we may realize just how good He is and and loving are His ways and how much is His love.

So, through 5 homeless and not so homeless individuals tonight, I caught a glimpse of the Kingdom, and it was full of joy and wonder.  The situation is still the same. but my perspective has shifted. Maybe that is what the problem was in the first place. Don’t know. But am sure glad that it has changed, because He is so much more than I ever imagined, and as long as I keep my eyes on Him, I’ll be able to see the way out of the funk, or future funks, when they come.

Tasting and seeing that the Lord is good….how blessed it is to wait for Him!

Has there ever been a time when you really felt alive? You know, when your senses are heightened and walking outside on a clear day breathes so much life into you that hope fills you up and the world seems that it is set straight and the earth could do no wrong because the keen awareness of love is in the air, and more than a ten-cent romance novel, but real true love? The kind that makes you want to colour canvasses with fingerpaint and sing songs in Eminor while dancing naked in the rain or running through the snow. The kind of life that the sun brings when spring hits the air and the fresh green of a leaf begins to be born and daffodils are everywhere waiting to be picked. Smiling back at you while basking in their own fine delight?

Has there ever been a time when you just wanted life to stand still for eternity so you could marvel in the sacred now…to live and breathe alive so deeply that you know that you know that you know that this is what you are created for is to relish in each moment of heaven on earth..that the kingdom of heaven is here and now and available to those of us who are brave enough to live fully alive? And love love love fills the air? Love love love is everywhere…you know this is what you were created for. You know that this is as good as it gets when love comes to town and takes up room in the holy of holies. 

And love makes everything worthwhile. Love doesn’t steal, it doesn’t boast, it isn’t so concerned with appearances and can drink in enough of the present glory to forgo the next. It is a man looking at his lover in sheer wonder and asking God to make the glance last forever because she is too much of heaven for him to take in at once. It is the way her heart is moved when he drinks her in. Part of a lost soul coming back to life.  It is the way the people come together and dance like a wave upon the sea.  It is the pen of a lofty writer.  Heaven is full of love and love is full of heaven.  It is  a sloppy wet kiss. 

And have there been moments where you can recall that life and it brings joy to your heart in such a way so as to remind you that you were indeed created for more than just what you are doing now? And the beatings and bruises left from the world begin to steal the joy and hope and it just makes you wonder if somehow that was all a dream and well, it is so far removed that you wonder if you can ever get back there again? Life mundane seems to creep in and rob you of everything that pushed you forward and all of the sudden you seem so far outside of love that you cannot even fathom her again.  And there he is….standing way over on the other side of the sidelines cheering for you, but you can’t tell if he is looking at you or if it is just the whole team, and you’re like “Jesus, will you please just tell me you care about me?” Even though by now you “should” have known this? Damn, I thought we were past the “me” questions and had finally entered into the “we” questions. But that’s it isn’t it? That every “me” is an extension of “we” and until we get the “me’s” sorted out, we will never have the “we” that we so desire. So we fight with ourselves because we are so much less than where we “should” be when all along Jesus says that we are okay. And there are feet to hand and fist to head and I’m in way over than I can handle and am dying, literally, aching for life to be infused back into me again.

And there was this moment, not too long ago, where a part of my soul was awakened again and it felt so real…so alive…so wanting…so aware of what it is missing…and I realized that there is so much more of life that I am hungry for. And Jesus, in spite of my disbelief, I believe you want us to experience that…real, full, abundant, vivid, crazy colourful, sensual, emotional, exotic, satisfying wholesome life. And I keep trying to find it…I keep painting, and singing, and dancing, and writing, and still, it feels dry….and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why all of this effort to see life or to be born is stagnant… I feel like a fish out of water…

Has tHas there ever been a time when you really felt alive? You know, when your senses are heightened and walking outside on a clear day breathes so much life into you that hope fills you up and the world seems that it is set straight and the earth could do no wrong because the keen awareness of love is in the air, and more than a ten-cent romance novel, but real true love? The kind that makes you want to colour canvasses with fingerpaint and sing songs in Eminor while dancing naked in the rain or running through the snow. The kind of life that the sun brings when spring hits the air and the fresh green of a leaf begins to be born and daffodils are everywhere waiting to be picked. Smiling back at you while basking in the glory of their own fine delight? Has there ever been a time when you just wanted life to stand still for eternity so you could marvel in the sacred now…to live and breathe alive so deeply that you know that you know that you know that this is what you are created for is to relish in each moment of heaven on earth..that the kingdom of heaven is here and now and available to those of us who are brave enough to live fully alive? And love love love fills the air? Love love love is everywhere…you know this is what you were created for. You know that this is as good as it gets when love comes to town and takes up room in the holy of holies. And love makes everything worthwhile. Love doesn’t steal, it doesn’t boast, it isn’t so concerned with appearances and can drink in enough of the present glory to forgo the next. It is a man looking at his lover in sheer wonder and asking God to make the glance last forever because she is too much of heaven for him to take in at once. It is the way her heart is moved when he drinks her in. Part of a lost soul coming back to life. It is the way the people come together and dance like a wave upon the sea. It is the pen of a lofty writer. Heaven is full of love and love is full of heaven. It is a sloppy wet kiss. And have there been moments where you can recall that life and it brings joy to your heart in such a way so as to remind you that you were indeed created for more than just what you are doing now? And the beatings and bruises left from the world begin to steal the joy and hope and it just makes you wonder if somehow that was all a dream and well, it is so far removed that you wonder if you can ever get back there again? Life mundane seems to creep in and rob you of everything that pushed you forward and all of the sudden you seem so far outside of love that you cannot even fathom her again. And there he is….standing way over on the other side of the sidelines cheering for you, but you can’t tell if he is looking at you or if it is just the whole team, and you’re like “Jesus, will you please just tell me you care about me?” Even though by now you “should” have known this? Damn, I thought we were past the “me” questions and had finally entered into the “we” questions. But that’s it isn’t it? That every “me” is an extension of “we” and until we get the “me’s” sorted out, we will never have the “we” that we so desire. So we fight with ourselves because we are so much less than where we “should” be when all along Jesus says that we are okay. And there are feet to hand and fist to head and I’m in way over than I can handle and am dying, literally, aching for life to be infused back into me again. And there was this moment, not too long ago, where a part of my soul was awakened again and it felt so real…so alive…so wanting…so aware of what it is missing…and I realized that there is so much more of life that I am hungry for. And Jesus, in spite of my disbelief, I believe you want us to experience that…real, full, abundant, vivid, crazy colourful, sensual, emotional, exotic, satisfying wholesome life. And I keep trying to find it…I keep painting, and singing, and dancing, and writing, and still, it feels dry….and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why all of this effort to see life or to be born is stagnant… I feel like a fish out of water…unable to help myself in every way. How can life come back? What can I do? All I want is to be alive again…to really connect with others the way that I did not too long ago. Community is a sacred thing…and I miss it so much. The safety of the recent past has been marred by the present shtuff. And fears of not being good enough keep me from even trying. But that’s exactly what the enemy wants. Oh Lord, I am powerless to bring real life out of this…You must come and breathe it in. heHas there ever been a time when you really felt alive? You know, when your senses are heightened and walking outside on a clear day breathes so much life into you that hope fills you up and the world seems that it is set straight and the earth could do no wrong because the keen awareness of love is in the air, and more than a ten-cent romance novel, but real true love? The kind that makes you want to colour canvasses with fingerpaint and sing songs in Eminor while dancing naked in the rain or running through the snow. The kind of life that the sun brings when spring hits the air and the fresh green of a leaf begins to be born and daffodils are everywhere waiting to be picked. Smiling back at you while basking in the glory of their own fine delight? Has there ever been a time when you just wanted life to stand still for eternity so you could marvel in the sacred now…to live and breathe alive so deeply that you know that you know that you know that this is what you are created for is to relish in each moment of heaven on earth..that the kingdom of heaven is here and now and available to those of us who are brave enough to live fully alive? And love love love fills the air? Love love love is everywhere…you know this is what you were created for. You know that this is as good as it gets when love comes to town and takes up room in the holy of holies. And love makes everything worthwhile. Love doesn’t steal, it doesn’t boast, it isn’t so concerned with appearances and can drink in enough of the present glory to forgo the next. It is a man looking at his lover in sheer wonder and asking God to make the glance last forever because she is too much of heaven for him to take in at once. It is the way her heart is moved when he drinks her in. Part of a lost soul coming back to life. It is the way the people come together and dance like a wave upon the sea. It is the pen of a lofty writer. Heaven is full of love and love is full of heaven. It is a sloppy wet kiss. And have there been moments where you can recall that life and it brings joy to your heart in such a way so as to remind you that you were indeed created for more than just what you are doing now? And the beatings and bruises left from the world begin to steal the joy and hope and it just makes you wonder if somehow that was all a dream and well, it is so far removed that you wonder if you can ever get back there again? Life mundane seems to creep in and rob you of everything that pushed you forward and all of the sudden you seem so far outside of love that you cannot even fathom her again. And there he is….standing way over on the other side of the sidelines cheering for you, but you can’t tell if he is looking at you or if it is just the whole team, and you’re like “Jesus, will you please just tell me you care about me?” Even though by now you “should” have known this? Damn, I thought we were past the “me” questions and had finally entered into the “we” questions. But that’s it isn’t it? That every “me” is an extension of “we” and until we get the “me’s” sorted out, we will never have the “we” that we so desire. So we fight with ourselves because we are so much less than where we “should” be when all along Jesus says that we are okay. And there are feet to hand and fist to head and I’m in way over than I can handle and am dying, literally, aching for life to be infused back into me again. And there was this moment, not too long ago, where a part of my soul was awakened again and it felt so real…so alive…so wanting…so aware of what it is missing…and I realized that there is so much more of life that I am hungry for. And Jesus, in spite of my disbelief, I believe you want us to experience that…real, full, abundant, vivid, crazy colourful, sensual, emotional, exotic, satisfying wholesome life. And I keep trying to find it…I keep painting, and singing, and dancing, and writing, and still, it feels dry….and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why all of this effort to see life or to be born is stagnant… I feel like a fish out of water…unable to help myself in every way. How can life come back? What can I do? All I want is to be alive again…to really connect with others the way that I did not too long ago. Community is a sacred thing…and I miss it so much. The safety of the recent past has been marred by the present shtuff. And fears of not being good enough keep me from even trying. But that’s exactly what the enemy wants. Oh Lord, I am powerless to bring real life out of this…You must come and breathe it in. re ever been a time when you really felt alive? You know, when your senses are heightened and walking outside on a clear day breathes so much life into you that hope fills you up and the world seems that it is set straight and the earth could do no wrong because the keen awareness of love is in the air, and more than a ten-cent romance novel, but real true love? The kind that makes you want to colour canvasses with fingerpaint and sing songs in Eminor while dancing naked in the rain or running through the snow. The kind of life that the sun brings when spring hits the air and the fresh green of a leaf begins to be born and daffodils are everywhere waiting to be picked. Smiling back at you while basking in the glory of their own fine delight? Has there ever been a time when you just wanted life to stand still for eternity so you could marvel in the sacred now…to live and breathe alive so deeply that you know that you know that you know that this is what you are created for is to relish in each moment of heaven on earth..that the kingdom of heaven is here and now and available to those of us who are brave enough to live fully alive? And love love love fills the air? Love love love is everywhere…you know this is what you were created for. You know that this is as good as it gets when love comes to town and takes up room in the holy of holies. And love makes everything worthwhile. Love doesn’t steal, it doesn’t boast, it isn’t so concerned with appearances and can drink in enough of the present glory to forgo the next. It is a man looking at his lover in sheer wonder and asking God to make the glance last forever because she is too much of heaven for him to take in at once. It is the way her heart is moved when he drinks her in. Part of a lost soul coming back to life. It is the way the people come together and dance like a wave upon the sea. It is the pen of a lofty writer. Heaven is full of love and love is full of heaven. It is a sloppy wet kiss. And have there been moments where you can recall that life and it brings joy to your heart in such a way so as to remind you that you were indeed created for more than just what you are doing now? And the beatings and bruises left from the world begin to steal the joy and hope and it just makes you wonder if somehow that was all a dream and well, it is so far removed that you wonder if you can ever get back there again? Life mundane seems to creep in and rob you of everything that pushed you forward and all of the sudden you seem so far outside of love that you cannot even fathom her again. And there he is….standing way over on the other side of the sidelines cheering for you, but you can’t tell if he is looking at you or if it is just the whole team, and you’re like “Jesus, will you please just tell me you care about me?” Even though by now you “should” have known this? Damn, I thought we were past the “me” questions and had finally entered into the “we” questions. But that’s it isn’t it? That every “me” is an extension of “we” and until we get the “me’s” sorted out, we will never have the “we” that we so desire. So we fight with ourselves because we are so much less than where we “should” be when all along Jesus says that we are okay. And there are feet to hand and fist to head and I’m in way over than I can handle and am dying, literally, aching for life to be infused back into me again. And there was this moment, not too long ago, where a part of my soul was awakened again and it felt so real…so alive…so wanting…so aware of what it is missing…and I realized that there is so much more of life that I am hungry for. And Jesus, in spite of my disbelief, I believe you want us to experience that…real, full, abundant, vivid, crazy colourful, sensual, emotional, exotic, satisfying wholesome life. And I keep trying to find it…I keep painting, and singing, and dancing, and writing, and still, it feels dry….and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why all of this effort to see life or to be born is stagnant… I feel like a fish out of water…unable to help myself in every way. How can life come back? What can I do? All I want is to be alive again…to really connect with others the way that I did not too long ago. Community is a sacred thing…and I miss it so much. The safety of the recent past has been marred by the present shtuff. And fears of not being good enough keep me from even trying. But that’s exactly what the enemy wants. Oh Lord, I am powerless to bring real life out of this…You must come and breathe it in.

Beauty for Ashes, Beloved.

I saw a beautiful thing last night…the love of the Father poured out into the streets of my home town, in a way that I had never seen it before.  Fireworks and worship and prayer and laughter and life in living colour. She was really Alive, in the truest sense.

Thank you Jesus for breathing life back into dry bones and for shining so brightly that the darkest night sits in terror at the thought of what is about to be unleashed in these streets…a river runs through her and she will not be shaken.

You are alive and roaming through these streets…walking into dark corners and wooing her back to your side.

And I saw Him again tonight..Jesus, longing to be married…waiting, as a groom is waiting for His Bride until the Father gives Him the word to go to Her and gather Her in His arms.  He is waiting in the secret place, in the Chamber, talking to His Father about His longings, knowing that His Father knows full well the desire of His heart. And He is waiting, patiently, enduring the distance and separation, until one day He can gather Her together, in His arms.  Jesus is fierce in His passion for Her, for us, His Beloved.  And He wants us by His side, but He doesn’t want to lose a single part of Her, so He will wait….even though the distance aches, grieves His heart…He is willing to wait for the fullness of His love to be expressed and received by Her. He is in Love with us, in the truest sense. And our worship is a reflection of His love for us, and our love back to Him. 

Oh Lord, we love you, we love you Jesus, and we are longing for you to draw us to your side. Won’t you come, won’t you come, won’t you come! We are so hungry for you Jesus, we are so hungry for a touch from you. Come…the Spirit and the Bride say come…

chaos

You know, the kind that keeps you up at night for days…like, the place you find yourself when you just about fall asleep and then find yourself jolted into a frenzy by some unknown force permeating the atmosphere, like a stranger lying in bed next to you watching your thought patterns, anticipating the next step, and then beating you there so as to rob you of any peace and calm. Thoughts abound more infrequently, dark ones, the ones that separate you from Hope.  Feelings controlling your thoughts controlling behaviors controlling beliefs and predicting your outcome.  Mind control so heavy, so impenetrable, that you aren’t able to pray or connect with your Father.  You feel the darkness around you. You can’t find hope. You can’t find Joy. You can’t find Love. You can’t find anything. You are suspended between life and death.  And you have no idea how to get out. 

Job felt this way.  David felt this way.  Jesus felt this way. 

When you are in the darkness, the dark ness wants you to stay focused on just how bleak it is.  It wants you in the mire. It wants to steal from you. It wants to kill you.  It wants to destroy you. 

I don’t know where to look these days. feelings betray me. After days of not sleeping, my hope is waning. I don’t know where you are God.

I don’t know what you want.

Abandonment abounds.

God, please deliver me.

silence

Sometimes the best conversation is said in silence.

Sometimes it’s enough to just be.

That’s all I hear Him saying these days: “trust Me and just be…” (thanks to a friend)

Just Be. Just Be. Just Be.

Nothing to prove.

Emotion welled up tonight and made it’s way to paper..just letting it out.

Creative Explosion

Creative explosion is on it’s way
creating a path
bleeding love from piles of clay
It’s doing something never done before
It’s singing a song …Eminor the major chord
It’s dancing a dance to the rhythm of delight
with colours amazing and infused with pure light…
It’s bleeding new paths from a board and nail
filled with the breath of heaven
waiting to exhale

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exploring new media

Because He is so much more than I ever imagined

There really isn’t a way to describe God’s goodness. I have been quietted in the deepest places within by His love.   He has come in so deep, wrapped His arms around my heart, and hasn’t let go. He has seen it all…the lack of love that I have for him at times, the anger towards others, the general apathy and self-involvement and yet, hasn’t turned away. He refuses to turn his back to me…nothing I do scares him off. He isn’t easily moved, he is so near. And He can handle it all.

He can handle us, He does love us, He isn’t easily scared off…He isn’t mad at us…He doesn’t want us to try so hard to be holy…He doesn’t want us to do anything but rest in His arms.  He is so different than the way the church has depicted Him…He is only love…only love…only love. And love never fails.