searching

It’s funny….has been such a long time since I’ve entered a post that I have almost forgotten the art of precision when it comes to blogging.

For that I am sorry and hopeful you will permit a bit of grace while I ramble a bit.  Maybe I”m dumb. Clearly. That has already been proven by many.  But these days, there is so much that i want to speak/say, and feel void of a voice. No identity= no life. And that is the opposite of what Jesus died to give us.  And yet, when the words are there, they have been  full of bitterness and anger/resentment.  Not good.  Dont’ know what to do about that apart from continously offer it up to the Lord and ask for mercy.

This is a far safer way to share, and since no one will be reading, it is seemingly harmless.  I hate the fact that anger is tucked away in these words/in my heart still after wandering so far down the healing path.  Like spontaneous combustion, however, I will implode if I can’t speak.

It seems that everything is in a whirlwind these days and serious correction has happened along with blessings that have been disguised as punishment.  A few friends have been involved in car accidents, people have been sick left and right with various forms of illnesses, homes in forclosure, friends losing love/marriage, death, etc. 

Everything that can be shaken is shaking and it leaves you wondering what is there to put your hope in? Clearly I mean this from a biblical perspective. I dont’ have the answers and the last thing that I want to do right now is come up with some sort of trite answer expecting to “know it all” when the reality is that I haven’t heard what the wise ones have said yet. And yet, underneath it all, I believe without a shadow of a doubt in God’s goodness and that we will overcome and that we have already overcome and that this present reality is not the reality that we are living in.  We are seated with Him in heavenly places, we have been deemed co-heirs with Christ, and everything that belongs to Him belongs to us. We have the ability to pull heaven to earth, we are full of creative ideas and flow in an urban world while living in concrete jungles, we have art in us that is yet to be painted, songs yet to be sung in voices that only angels can hear. We have remedies for diseases and social ailments. We have keys to unlock heaven within us. In fact the Lord recently showed me a picture of thousands of keys being deposited into the hands of a child, and unlocking many doors of understanding.  David’s keys. But there is this intangible middle. The unseen arena that keeps sabotaging success. I dont’ know what to do about that.  Failed attempts at careers, relationships, living situations, bank accounts = failure, from a human perspective.  And at the same time, I see people being promoted in amazing ways.  God’s grace is displayed in that. Truth. Mercy. 

Confession #1- I am a learner.  Will not apologize for that. Everything that I have built my life on in the past seems to be shaking which means that there is still much to be had and it’s okay to admit that.

Confession #2 – I don’t know Jack. Literally. I thought I did know him but now am beginning to think that there is MUCH more to Mr. D than I ever knew and believe that he carries the scars on his body to prove it. To get a glimpse of intimacy that he has with Jesus is a path that few get to walk.  He/they will remain heroes forever. This isn’t flattery. It is truth.

Confession #3 -  How much personal responsibility is tied up in the events we are facing today? Where is the Father’s Love present in this? And how do you reconcile it? In no way am I attempting to making excuses. Sincerely want to understand HOW Father’s Love is communicated in the midst of financial despair and seemingly irresponsible behavior. He is ONLY loving, so am a bit perplexed on this one.  Everything I have learned has been communicated in such a way that suggests His corrections are kind and lead us to repentance. We don’t feel “beaten up” after the process. So where  then, do we place those days where we feel so “raw” and exposed within the church and around people, the days where we cannot fit to save our lives and we continuously feel like we are clinging to a rope that is barely within our grasp while everyone else is holding on much farther up the knot.

Confession #4 – what do you do when all of your natural resources are dried up and you have already had 2 life changes in career/purpose direction and you no longer know where your “assingment” is? Those times when the voice of the Lord is silent, prayer is hitting a wall, and you are tired of the tears? Where do you turn then? It is not a self pitying thing. It is more the attitude of realizing that there is SO much need out there…wanting to be an agent of change, recognizing that the needs are insurmountable when attempting to accomplish them individually, and yet not knowing where your place is in game.  Each part is significant, and when your heart’s desire has always been invested in one arena and then the Lord quickly redirects the arena and you are left wondering what planet you are on, what do you do then?

Confession #5- how do you deal with the homeless? they are always there. they do not go away. they are young. they have children. i have spent the last year talking with some of them and building relationships with them.  they have the answers. and they live impoverished nontheless. and i get a home. and i had a home in a very posh place. that is unfair. i see them often. they have been appearing in this home. lying on the couch.  this is new. has not happened before.  i dont’ know what to do about that. some of them are christians. some are not.  they have many spirits that follow them.  it’s become hard to distinguish them now.  i’m coming to realize that only love remains.  And i do love some of them.  Not brave enough to say all

Confession #6 – What about the cross? How often do you visit it? How often is it/should it be in your face? What does living by grace look like?

Confession #7 – We need Him so much more.  We need Him.  We need You.  We need You Jesus.  That is the only confession left. Jesus, we need You, a wide open and breathing manifestation of your goodness to come smathering and laddling us up in an experience of tangible bliss that would demonstrate for the generations to come that your character is ONLY good and that you are loving and that you have a redemptive plan in effect that is preserving your inheritance. You care Daddy God. We are your most prized possession…nothing can separate us from your love. If you have set your stamp of approval and affection on us, then how could you abandon us to famine? How could you do such a thing? So we have to go….with arms wide open, because the world is wide open.  The world is wide open and waiting, groaning, hungering for the sons and daughters of God to be released. 

Jesus, open wide the gates. Blow a trumpet in Zion. Sound the alarm. Release us Father.  Blow the trumpet in Zion. It is the year of the Lord’s favor. We ask you for the nations Jesus.  They are your inheritance. 

Release assignments. Make them clear Lord. Jobless = not your will. Barren = not your will.  Impoverished = not your will. Relationally barren = not your will. 

You desire abundance.  Wholesome goodness in every area of our lives.  Jesus will you fullfill these barren places.

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